JANUARY:

The French clubs, led by Serge Blanco and Bernard Laporte, bring their boycott of the 2007/8 Heineken Cup forward so that Laporte can spend a fortnight conducting physical tests on his international players in Marcoussis. French clubs thus withdraw from the Heineken Cup immediately, leaving countries from the other five nations to scrap it out for quarter-final places, still no Welsh or Scottish teams qualify though. In the south, the Spears are re-instated into South Africa's five Super 14 franchises, with the Bulls offering to concede their place in the interests of transformation.

FEBRUARY:

The Six Nations kicks off. Italy blow a woefully under-prepared France away in Rome, while England and Scotland scrap out a 3-3 draw at Twickenham and Ireland roll to victory in Cardiff. In the Southern Hemisphere, the Super 14 kicks off, but due to Graham Henry's insistence on rest and recuperation for his possible RWC players two of the New Zealand franchises are forced to borrow a couple of players from the opposition for the opening matches. Later in the month, Irish Six Nations organisers are left with egg on their faces when they organise an orangeman parade as pre-match entertainment for the Ireland-England match at Croke Park.

MARCH:

Italy are crowned Six Nations champions after their backs run Ireland's ragged in a scintillating 43-6 victory. But some doubt is cast on the legitimacy of the Italian team, whose heroes of the match are Gonzalez, Balfour, and Jones. An investigation is launched. In the Super 14, South African teams fill the top five places, with the Spears top of the pile after their bonus-point 20-0 win in Christchurch.

APRIL:

The Heineken Cup semi-finals are both all-England affairs, both going to extra-time after dour 6-6 draws. Neither is settled in extra time, and so the RFU decrees that Wasps and Leicester will be in the final. Premier Rugby is not amused, believing it should have been Gloucester and Sale, and takes the RFU to court, leaving the playing of the final highly unlikely. New Zealand's 150-strong international squad returns to Super 14 action, but are so short of match fitness that the Kiwi teams fail to win a single match.

MAY:

No Heineken Cup final, and with English clubs refusing to play until the RFU and Premier Rugby sort out their differences, there is no Premiership final either. The Spears take the Super 14 comfortably, crushing the Waratahs in the final. Border takes the Magners League title, having won every match in 2007, and in front of a raucous 25,000 crowd.

JUNE:

England's squad is so decimated by injury in South Africa that they are unable to play the second Test. Jonny Wilkinson survives the tour unscathed though. Graham Henry puts out his U21 team against the French after the first team wins 47-3, the youngsters promptly win 48-3, and Henry applies to the IRB to enter both New Zealand islands as separate entities in the Rugby World Cup, and to SANZAR for the same in the Tri-Nations.

JULY:

SANZAR agree to Henry's request, reneging on a previous agreement to give Argentina first refusal on any extra tournament place. NZ North and NZ South each go through the first two Four Nations matches against SA and Australia unbeaten, then share eight tries in a 28-28 draw.

AUGUST:

NZ North and NZ South each go through the return two Four Nations matches against SA and Australia unbeaten, then share eight tries in a 28-28 draw. But South are awarded the trophy because they have Dan Carter and Richie McCaw.

SEPTEMBER:

The Rugby World Cup kicks off in France, but with the French air traffic controllers, train drivers, barmen, and restaurateurs on strike and the farmers blockading all the motorways, the atmosphere is a tad muted, and a couple of teams don't make it into France at all. Fortunately, that gives NZ the chance to split into two islands again, and they promptly sweep all before them.

OCTOBER:

NZ North and South are in one RWC semi-final, with Australia taking on South Africa in the other. This time, NZ North and NZ South are separated by penalties, with Dan Carter missing the crucial shot from in front of the posts. South South Africa beat Australia in the other semi-final, then their backs cut NZ North's to shreds in the final to become the second country to win the World Cup twice. A day later, one of the waitresses at NZ North's Paris hotel is mysteriously arrested, with the police saying only that she is called Suzie.

NOVEMBER:

Europe's domestic leagues get back underway, and all clubs manage to unite on a Heineken Cup agreement the night before the tournament starts, with revenue shared according to the results of a game of spoof played in ERC's boardroom. The backlog means that all clubs are playing a match every three days.

DECEMBER:

The RFU and Premier Rugby go to court after the RFU insisted that Premier Rugby should ensure all Premiership pitch turfs were cut to the same length as the Twickenham turf as it was crucial to the future of the England team. The Premiership is put on hold once again while the dispute is resolved, and the RFU arrange four extra England fixtures for the following year. In France, Stade Français take to the field in skintight off-pink chiffon all-in-ones, and then go to Bayonne and record a record victory.

And then to 2008...